Mike Pennington

Author: Mike Pennington

Mike Pennington, normal, 40-ish, father of three, living the suburban dream north of Atlanta.  

The story of Horned Owl Brewing is brought to you by the letter ‘P’: Patience. Persistence. Painstaking. Passion.

Joe Uhl was going to open a brewery north of Atlanta. Once he finally settled in on the location for the new spot on the square in Marietta, it was time to finalize the paperwork and get the deal rolling. Working with the city council and landowner, they were able to move the ball all the way down the field but just couldn’t quite get the ball over the goal line. So, he had to start from scratch.

And then he thought he had another location in Smyrna … no dice. And then it happened again. And again. Because of his background as the COO of a company that owns and operates restaurants and bars, Joe fully knew that it took a lot of patience and persistence. Those qualities ultimately led to this …

Fast forward to today. Horned Owl Brewing is a beautiful anchor in the brand new and booming entertainment district in Kennesaw. High ceilings, huge wooden beams, stonework in every direction – you get the feeling that an owl may swoop down and join you on the next stool while you’re there.

The servers were on point … sociable without being over-the-top and only too happy to talk about the beer there. I was mid-flight when they brought Joe over to make the intros. I was sucked in. Here’s a guy who has a very clear passion for what he does. After surviving all of the challenges to get this thing in the air, the pride bleeds out of him when he talks about the beer. (Pride – there’s another ‘p’ word for the day.) He watched how I held the glass and could tell that I was appreciative of the craft.

The product – all very high-quality and with a dizzying array of styles. This place has only been open since November and yet has twenty tap handles, including two dark beers on nitro. (Joe tells me they’ve had a few cask ales as well.) Of course, they make a lot of the standards these days: IPAs, hazies, stouts, lagers, wheat beers, etc. But what stood out to me was not only the presence of some oft-overlooked styles but the quality of them as well. Horned Owl has a Schwarzbier (Cover of Night), an ESB (Twoo), and a Weizenbock (Tawny.) I love these styles and hate that not many breweries offer them anymore. All three were so very well done. I really can’t overstate how amazing it was to see such a massive diversity of styles and the quality beer delivered with each. Yeah – I’ll be back on South Main Street in Kennesaw again soon.

Fun fact: Yes – every beer name is owl-themed. I assumed that it was because of the nearby Kennesaw State University Owls. That may be part of it, but Joe’s last name is German for owl.

So, soar on over to Kennesaw and saddle up for some of Horned Owl’s finest. It’ll be a hoot. (Sorry.)

 

This is the next installment in, “15 Minutes With …”. These posts are designed to be more than just a brewery review. We will attempt to dig deeper and do more than simply tell you what sort of beer and food you can find at various places. We want to delve into the stories and anecdotes … those eccentricities, quirks, and oddities that make each brewery unique.

Mike Pennington by Mike Pennington

PETA Scores Victory Against Big Beer

St. Louis, MO – People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) has largely been a non-stop source of fodder for the world’s comedians for years … until recently. PETA, throughout its 4 decades of unintended hilarity, has been the group that has produced a slew of wait-is-this-an-April-Fools-Day joke campaigns. Here are some of the highlights: (these are actually all true)

  • Petitioned the Indianapolis Motor Speedway to cancel the tradition of milk in the winner’s circle for two reasons:
    • It is seen as “cruel to cows”
    • And milk is racist because many African-Americans lack the enzyme needed to digest it.
  • Once protested against a Texas man who claimed to have hunted and killed Bigfoot. Yes … Bigfoot.
  • Tried to have the word ‘fish’ changed to ‘sea kittens’ because people would be less inclined to eat them.

Yikes.

But chalk one up for PETA. In a shocking turn of events, AB InBev, parent company of Budweiser and the famed Clydesdale horses has decided to cave to PETA pressure and will cease using the majestic creatures in their promotions. PETA President, Ingrid Newkirk was quoted as saying, “Well crap. That’s cool that we won once, but now I don’t have any reason to be insanely bitter. Not sure what we do next.”

Expect to see more of this …

But back to Budweiser. Their commercials during the holidays are part of the very fabric that makes December feel like a warm sweater. Those massive horses pulling a simple wagon in parades are the attraction – the highlight – that draws crowds by the millions. So, who will pull the wagons now? Who will ‘star’ in the holiday commercials now that the horses have been loosed from their supposed bondage? The bearded hipster … that’s who.

Known for their universally rugged appearance, chiseled good looks, and apparent strength (because ya know … they’re always wearing flannel), these studs will become the new workhorses of the AB InBev holiday season. Carlos Brito, CEO of Budweiser said, “They’re always hanging around the brewery, just standing around and giving us that cold, dead stare. I figure … why not put ’em to work?”

As for the horses, Brito said, “We’re just gonna open the doors and see where they go.” No word yet on what the Clydesdales have decided to do. I’m sure PETA has horse psychologists on standby.

 

This article is parody, in case you didn’t already know that. It’s meant to be funny so lighten up, Francis. If we use real people’s names, all the supporting details are totally made up. Except for the crazy PETA antics at the beginning – that was all legit.

Mike Pennington by Mike Pennington

When you know, you know. Jessie and Kevin knew. You need to know, too.

The paddle is shaped like Amelia Island. I LOVE this!!

Kevin and Jessie O’Brien haven’t known forever that they would one day open a brewery, but looking back it’s clear that this was destined to happen. Jessie has had a passion for craft beer for a long time, stemming from their time at the University of Maine. Kevin is naturally a people person. He is warm and engaging … he has an amazing ability to make you feel welcome with a smile and a genuine interest in conversation. Combine those two with Jessie’s drive to dive into the science of brewing and Kevin’s natural knack for marketing and management, and we have a winner!

I first contacted them about a week before my recent visit to Amelia Island/ Fernandina Beach, Florida. I had hoped to at least get the typical, “Yeah, come on by and we can chat” response. But what I got was a thoughtful welcome and some thoughts on some beers I should be trying. And right then I knew – this visit became the priority for the weekend. Spoiler alert: I was not disappointed at all.

 

First Love Brewing is pretty new to the scene, having opened in June 2020.
Yes – they opened in the middle of a global pandemic …
In an economy largely focused on tourism …

They were actually set to open in March, but we know how that turned out. I was particularly struck with the positivity and optimism Kevin displayed when talking about that situation. “That was great for us, because it gave us more time – it was almost like we had a three-month soft opening.” Lemons –> lemonade.

Enough of the background … how was the product? I was ‘only’ able to try 11 of the beers they had on tap. 😁 One thing really stuck out to me looking at their lineup: no sours and no hazy IPAs. It seems a lot of breweries these days focus almost all of their attention on just those two styles. It makes sense, because that’s the crazy-fad-trend right now. First Love has light, dark, Belgian, light & crisp, heavy and complex. And amazingly enough, for a brewery barely in its infancy, everything I had was quite good. And I’m not just being nice. Everything was legit good. A dubbel, tripel, saison, red IPA, Baltic porter, rye amber …. the variety of styles and quality of the beer was truly astonishing. I guess those brewing science courses at Auburn University and Level III Cicerone training are working pretty well for Jessie!

The pizza was stupid delicious.

Do not sleep on First Love. They have big plans. The beer is taproom only … for now. Back to the aforementioned timing of the opening – this brewery opened against seemingly all odds, and has been successful despite the challenges. According to Kevin, they have received amazing and consistent support from the community … the people they live with and serve every day. Just wait until the world starts traveling again. Community is what they’re all about. I’m going to straight up steal a line from their website:

First Love Brewing is built around the idea of pursuing your passions and dreams. We are driven by the people we meet, the community that we live in, and the places we visit.

Community – that’s obviously what they are supporting. But what they may not even realize yet is … they’re building community too. Their flight paddle (pictured above) is shaped like Amelia Island. They’ll place your beers in the order you should drink them for the best experience. (Drink from north to south for optimal results.)  And they have a solid menu, too. This is not a ‘grab-a-pint-and-go’ sorta place. Sit, eat, sip, enjoy. COMMUNITY. The detail that goes into every aspect of the operation just screams that this is designed to be a piece of the Fernandina fabric for a very long time to come. I mean, they trained under a master pizza-dude in Chicago; they import their flour from Italy. The pizza is unbelievable. The beer is amazing. The people are genuine and authentically friendly. Now I know.

Again, when you know, you know. And now you know, too.

 

This is the first installment in a new segment entitled, “15 Minutes With …”. These posts are designed to be more than just a brewery review. We will attempt to dig deeper and do more than simply tell you what sort of beer and food you can find at various places. We want to delve into the stories and anecdotes … those eccentricities, quirks, and oddities that make each brewery unique.

Mike Pennington by Mike Pennington

A fat dude smoking a pipe breaks into millions of homes every year, stealing milk and cookies, and leaving dirty coal behind for kids he deems ‘naughty.’ But at the same time, he plays favorites by giving supposedly ‘nice’ kids toys and other fun stuff. I could have a field day dissecting all of this nonsense, but I start by addressing this awful concept of leaving milk and cookies out all night. Does anyone really think that Santa wants to slurp down gallons of milk that’s been sitting out so long that it’s room temperature and maybe compromised? Gross. I think it’s time we start leaving a nice Belgian beer out for ole St. Nick. A delicious dubbel would be a great treat waiting for him at the bottom of the chimney. Let’s make it happen, people.

So, in proposing a change to long-held Christmas traditions, I started thinking about some of the songs we sing, too. I’m a sucker for good, quality Christmas music. But I think we could probably jazz up some of the titles, don’t you? Russ and I did some beerstorming (brainstorming while drinking beer) and came up with these soon-to-be holiday favorites:

Original song: I Wonder As I Wander
New title: I Wonder As I Wander … in downtown Asheville

Original song: Mele Kalikimaka
New title: Gimme Kalik and nachos

Original song: (I’m Dreaming of a) White Christmas
New title: (I’m Dreaming of a) Wit Christmas

Original song: It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas
New title: It’s Beginning to Taste a Lot Like Christmas

Original song: Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer
New title: Rudolph the Red-Nosed Alcoholic

Original song: I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus
New title: I Saw Mommy Drinking White Claw

Original song: O Little Town of Bethlehem
New title: O Little Town of Grand Rapids

Original song: I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day
New title: I Drank Some Bells on Christmas Day

Original song: I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas
New title: I Want a Kegerator for Christmas

Original song: I’ll Be Home for Christmas
New title: I’ll Be Drunk for Christmas

Original song: O Holy Night
New title: Nothing else. I refuse to mess with this one.

Original song: Holly Jolly Christmas
New title: Hoppy Jolly Christmas

Original song: Blue Christmas
New title: Huge Guinness

Original song: It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year
New title: It’s the Most Wonderful Time For a Beer

Original song: Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas
New title: Have Yourself a Frosty Little Beverage

Original song: Where Are You Christmas?
New title: Where Are You Barkeep?

Original song: Frosty the Snowman
New title: Frosty the Beer Mug

Original song: I Saw Three Ships
New title: I Drank Three Pints

Ok … now it’s your turn. Drop some of your ideas in the chat below!

 

Note: I didn’t touch the 12 Days of Christmas, because the McKenzie Brothers already did that to perfection:

Mike Pennington by Mike Pennington

This post will be a bit of a departure. Yes, I’ll still talk about beer a little bit, but most of this will be on a larger topic.

If I were to ask you to close your eyes and picture a great customer service experience. You’ve been there … when someone went way beyond the call of duty, way past what you thought would have been enough … and sprinkled the magic pixie dust on a situation to make a tough situation magical. What companies come to mind? A lot of us will name the same ones: Chick Fil A, Ritz Carlton, Disney, and many others. These companies have a very well-earned reputation – and they work tirelessly to maintain that character.

Now – close your eyes again. Wait, you can’t close your eyes and read this. Ok, think again of a great customer service experience … and this time think of a time when you experienced great customer experience with a brewery. Ever have a can of your precious new 4-pack explode on you? Maybe you bought an ole reliable but it tasted … off. I have seen this happen so many times, and the reply from the breweries varies from “we’ll take care of this” to “who cares? If you don’t like it – don’t buy it again.” Or, we can look at it from another angle. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been to a brewery and had an amazing time discussing the beers and styles available with whomever is behind the bar. I love it! And it makes me want to keep coming back.

Two stories – one about a brewery and one that’s completely unrelated. Pontoon Brewing, one of my all-time, everyday, go-to favorites put out a beer several months ago called Grand Theft Otter. I liked it. Some people didn’t. The brewery soon found out that some of the beer was not want they wanted it to be. Did the bury their head in the sand and hope no one would notice? Long story short, the beer oxidized and basically skunked. It happens. But the response is what wins the prize. Pontoon came straight out, owned it, announced it, and took care of the issue. They took the beer off the shelves, offered to trade out, any cans that were out in the wild, and promised to re-release the beer at a future date. (Spoiler alert – batch 2 was awesome.) The main takeaway here is that Pontoon took care of their customers – they addressed what they saw as a product that didn’t meet their standards, and in my opinion, won a lot of loyalty by doing so. Had they opted for the “F you … deal with it” mentality, I don’t think you could have said the same.

Fast forward to today and the totally unrelated story. I have fallen in love with a clothing company, Travis Mathew, and was set to place a new order this week. As it turned out, the description on the website had me a little perplexed and led me away from ordering the pants. I contacted customer service to confirm that I was understanding correctly. What I received back was mountains and heaps and buckets of fantastic. 1) They offered to find a pair of pants that would fit what I was looking for and send them to me for free. 2) They agreed that there was language in the description that could be misleading and made the change THAT SAME DAY. Seriously? I sent one customer service message and that resulted in an unreal response and an immediate change to their website? Well played, Travis Mathew. Well played.

 

Customer service – apparently it still exists.

Mike Pennington by Mike Pennington

Turkey Day 2020 will be here soon. So, before you head out for your stock-the-fridge weekend shopping trip, we wanted to add to your list. Instead of waking up on Thanksgiving morning to fry your turkey and grabbing ‘whatever is in the fridge,’ we thought we’d offer a list of beers that pair well with some traditional Thanksgiving foods. Disclaimer: if you’re drinking craft beer with friends and family, watching football, giving thanks, and eating way too much food – you’re already winning. There’s really not a wrong beer choice. But if you’d like to get all snobby and beer nerd-y with your selections, here are some options for you.

Turkey

This is obviously the star of the show, and you want it to remain that way. You need to find a beer that won’t overpower the turkey (and gravy). You need something that can cut through the fat of the turkey skin and gravy. We recommend a good, dry, bubbly saison. If you can find one that’s been aged in oak … bonus points. We recommend Monday Night Barrel Farm Blend #2. Saison + grisette + Brett gives a great and fruit-forward combination of flavor that will dance nicely with the turkey.

Honey-Glazed Ham

Yes, we all know the name of the store where you’re going to get it, but I’ll stay general and say honey-glazed ham.
Playing Robin to the turkey’s Batman, honey-glazed ham finds its way onto many tables this time of year. The glaze on the ham brings a level of sweetness that shouldn’t be overlooked. A honey-glazed ham also brings some some salt to the party, so a good quality hefeweizen is the perfect way to balance it all out. Arches Queens Weiss is a very nicely-balanced beer that continues to turn heads in the beer snob world. Pro tip: if you want to stick to just one beer throughout the meal, this one (or any good hefe) will likely be your best bet.

Dressing

First things first – it’s dressing, not stuffing. If you want stuffing, hop in the car and drive about 8 hours north. We do dressing in the south.
Ok – back to beer stuff. Dressing is one of my favorites, and it has the backbone to stand up to heartier flavors. The spices in it are a great compliment to one of the world’s finest beer styles – the winter warmer. A traditional winter warmer does not have spice added to it, but I love those that add a slight kick of winter spice … clove, nutmeg, cinnamon. Every year I look forward to the release of Anchor Christmas Ale. The recipe is always slightly different (45 years and counting) and I can’t wait to get my hands on some this year!

Green Bean Casserole

Green bean casserole – that delicious scoop of gooey-yummy covered in the crunchy fried onions. YES! There is a great pile of flavor in that sinful concoction, so once again we need to find something that pairs nicely with it without detracting from the casserole. Also – cream of mushroom soup adds a heft to the dish, so a lighter-bodied beer works well here. I like Creature Comforts Table Beer does the trick. It’s flavorful but super light (at only 4.2%.) It’s going to compliment the casserole without attacking the taste buds.

Sweet Potatoes with Marshmallows

Sweet, sweet, sweet. This dish might as well be dessert. The sweet potatoes already carry plenty of sweetness, and then you added slightly melted marshmallows on top … stop it. You need a beer here to completely counteract all that sweet. We go with a hop-forward IPA as the yin to the sweet potatoes’ yang. Think of this as the Thanksgiving version of salty vs. sweet – just like when you go to Wendy’s and get a Frosty and french fries and they taste so good as compliments to each other. There are so many great ones to choose from, but today we’ll go with Wild Leap Coast West Double IPA. It has a strong hop flavor, but it’s not over-the-top with bitterness (only 49 IBUs). The best part is – it runs at 10% which makes listening to the same story from your drUncle all that more palatable.

Pumpkin Pie

No Thanksgiving meal is complete without pumpkin pie. Winter spices plus sweetness give this one a pretty powerful taste, and one that needs a strong beer to stand up next to it. You need to find something that packs some punch, but won’t be too overpowering. We think a good porter has the perfect combination of roastiness and intensity to not only compliment, but actually enhance the flavor of the pie. Printers Everyday Black, roasty and not too heavy, will be a great buddy with your dessert. (Side note: Printers has a very cool story – totally worth a visit!)

 

And to cap it off, because getting through all of the dishes (or being forced to watching Detroit Lions football) can be not-so-fun, you might need one more to finish the day in style. What better way to cap it than with a super heavy barleywine or quadrupel? If you’re looking for a barleywine, head over to Dry County for Damn It All! At 11.5%, combined with all of the tryptophan in the turkey, you’ll be sure to be asleep on the couch before the Steelers kick off. If it’s quadrupel you’re after – grab some Wild Heaven Eschaton. This one gets bonus point for bringing in the holiday spices you’ve already been having all day. This one is always one of the highlights of my year!

 

Happy Turkey, everyone!!Let us know what YOU’LL be having on Thursday.

Mike Pennington by Mike Pennington

It’s ba-a-a-a-a-a-a-ck! The holidays are approaching (finally) and it is time to start planning for the perfect gift(s) for the beer lovers in your life. We’re here to save you the Google-time … we’ve already done the shopping for you. Here are the top 12 gift ideas for beer enthusiasts for 2020.

Soberdough

Simple bread-making mix that uses BEER in the process. Their mix + your beer … mix, cook, and eat!! There are about 20 flavors to choose from, with savory, sweet, and spicy options available. Fun for the whole family!

Outdoor Beer Table

We’ve all said it before, “It’s so simple. Why didn’t I think of that?” It’s a stake with a tiny table on top … room for two beers and a snack. Tell me you won’t need this during the friendly backyard cornhole tournament.

Beer-BQ Sauce

Featuring beer from Jackie O’s in Ohio, there are three flavors of BBQ sauce infused with beer: Thai Sriracha, Honey Mustard, and Sweet & Smoky.

Poker Glasses and Coasters

What goes better with poker than beer? Fact – nothing does. These glasses and coasters will help you up the ante on your next poker night.

Pelican Sling Cooler

Ohmagoodness, yes. This cooler was designed specifically to hold a 4-pack of 16-ounce cans. Almost all I buy these days are 16 oz 4-packs, so this is brilliant!

Happy Hour in the Shower

Say it with me … shower beer. Those are happy words! The problem comes when it’s time to actually do the showering part. What to do with the beer? Worry nor more.

Complete Beer Course

Extremely highly-rated guide to tasting beer. This is a great gift for novice and expert alike. This description says it all, “Boot camp for beer geeks: from novice to expert in 12 tasting classes.”

Keter Cooler Table

Continuing with the backyard drink-holding trend. This table has a cooler-like bottom that can hold up to 40 cans with ice. Again, this is fantastic design.

Yoy Drink Holder

Apparently I am in desperate need of something to “Hold My Beer.” This simple gadget clips onto a table and serves as a drink holder/coaster combo when you’re on the go!

Brew Your Own IPA

Been thinking about homebrewing but not ready for the capital investment? Try out this kit that comes with everything you need to brew a gallon of West Coast IPA.

Belgian Beer of the Month Club

I’m going to put this in here every year until someone gets it for me. This is heaven delivered to your door every month for a year. Cousin Eddie said it best, “That’s the gift that keeps on giving the whole year.”

Viking Drinking Horn

I love everything about this. It’s rustic; it has a 97-year warranty (not sure what happens in year 98); has a cool factor that is so off the charts. I. Need. This. In. My. Life!!!

 

BONUS POINTS – when all else fails, support your local brewery. Buy gift cards, merchandise, and beer-to-go. Take a group of friends out for a flight-or-pint. SUPPORT YOUR LOCAL BUSINESSES!!

Mike Pennington by Mike Pennington

Sacramento, CA – In the wake of California Governor Gavin Newsom’s sweeping and far-reaching guidelines regarding upcoming Thanksgiving celebrations, Gov. Newsom doubled-down this week, extending additional regulations on myriad groups and upcoming gatherings.

As a proposed set of regulations designed to limit the spread of the BeerVirus, Newsom last week announced that Thanksgiving celebrations can only be two-hours long, can only have three households involved, must be outdoors, and everyone is required to bring their own turkey or other planet-friendly protein to the event. When pressed on how he personally planned on celebrating Thanksgiving with these regulations, Governor Newsom said, “Oh, this s*** ain’t for me. My mom said that I have to host this year, since Aunt Maureen did last year. I’m making my famous squash casserole!”

“Oh, this s*** ain’t for me.” – California Governor Gavin Newsom

Despite outcries from all corners of the state, Newsom dug his heels even further with a second wave of government overreach. Here are some of the more eye-opening decrees handed down:

  • All homes with more than three cars are subject to being invaded, monitored by satellite, or ‘totally creeped out by Government drones’ to make sure they are in compliance,
  • Effective immediately, the new state song has been changed to “Don’t Stand So Close to Me” by The Police,
  • The California Craft Brewers Association (CCBA) has been given a 30-day mandate to develop masks that allow you to drink without removing them. An early prototype can be seen here, and
  • Christmas is currently on hold until there is CDC clearance regarding the ability of reindeer and/or elves to either contract or spread the Covids. When asked about this specific guideline, Newsom stated that he was always uneasy having a reindeer with a “bright red nose, almost certainly the result of a nasty infection” prancing about on his roof. There was no immediate indication as to the progress made on elf and reindeer Covid testing. 

There was one swift and positive reaction. The President of Introverts Anonymous (who refused to give her name, because – ya know – she’s shy) announced plans to move their headquarters to Yuba City. Said the unnamed President, “I mean – this is the sign we’ve been waiting for! I know they have oppressive taxes, and the mudslides, earthquakes, and raging fires will kill us all soon. But we won’t legally be allowed near people. We chose Yuba City because I guess we need to be kinda near Sac-town, but we didn’t want to be too close, ya know?”

Governor Newsom has another press conference next week. Leaked information says he’s going after three main sources of what he calls, “too many people in close proximity”: huddles on the football field, mothers pregnant with twins, and Mormons.

 

This article is parody, in case you didn’t already know that. It’s meant to be funny so lighten up, Francis. If we use real people’s names, all the supporting details are totally made up.

Mike Pennington by Mike Pennington

The Craft Brewers Association (CBA) made a very controversial decision yesterday, and the fallout continues today and for the foreseeable future. In a shocking move, the CBA held a press conference in front of their Milwaukee headquarters building in front of a throng of dumbstruck onlookers. Chairman of the Board Ned Nederlander proudly announced, “In accordance with newly passed and ratified association bylaws, and in keeping with the undeniable recent trends in the industry, the Craft Brewers Association announces the following changes to our membership structure. As of today, the CBA no longer recognizes any brewery not owned by dudes with super long beards. I’m not talking five o’clock shadow or some hipster starter beard. I’m talking ZZ Top flavor-saver beards.  ”

“I know you’re going to think that we’re just chasing the latest fad – and you’re totally right. I mean, hazy IPAs, glitter beers, the sour craze, and now even hard seltzer coming out of breweries? Yeah – we follow every fad and craze.” – Ned Nederlander, CBA Chair

Ned Nederlander not making friends

Continuing with the statement, Nederlander said that any breweries not currently in compliance had 90 days to either change ownership or “buy a crap-ton of Rogaine and Minoxidil” hoping to meet the requirement in time. Reaction from the industry was swift and very divided. Representatives from Frothy Beard Brewing, Bearded Iris, and Beer’d Brewing Company was strongly in support of the move. Kavon Togrye, Founder and CEO of Bearded Iris said, “Wait – there are people who work in breweries without beards? Who knew?”

The feedback from those affected by the change … not so positive. Brey Sloane with Riverwatch Brewing was none too pleased: “You mean I have to sell to some caveman or have to go all circus side-show freak Bearded Lady?!? No, no, NO!” Determined to continue making her delicious beers in Augusta, GA, Sloane formed a new competing association, specifically focused on breweries that don’t have any beards onsite. Lovingly named Witches Without Whiskers (find them at www.www.www), the association was created with the aim to “basically be the exact opposite of the CBA.”

HaHaHops will continue to monitor this situation as it progresses.

This article is parody, in case you didn’t already know that. It’s meant to be funny so lighten up, Francis. If we use real people’s names, all the supporting details are totally made up.

Mike Pennington by Mike Pennington

Beer + Wrestling + … Fruity Pebbles?

Stone Brewing Co. ™ must have some lawyers without much to do. It all started with a lawsuit in early 2018 against MillerCoors (now Molson Coors) over the new branding of Keystone. Miller Coors started labeling it simply as ‘Stone’ and the folks at Stone Brewing Co. ™ were none too pleased. Stone Brewing Co. ™ CEO Dominic Engels said, “I don’t think anyone would truly confuse that crap with the beer we brew, but I thought I could make a few bucks off the big boys.”

The craft industry quickly rallied, clamoring for a victory from independent craft beer versus the big boys. It appears as though that initial lawsuit whet the appetite of Engels’ legal team. Since that case became public, Stone Brewing Co. ™ has since gone after over 100 other businesses that dare the use the word ‘stone’ in their name. Breweries, bars, restaurants, pizza joints … no one is safe from Stone Brewing Co.’s ™ reign of legal terror. Seeking to further their reach, Stone Brewing Co. ™ announced on Friday that they are filing suit against Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson for using a term that’s “kinda, sorta similar” to Stone Brewing Co.’s ™ brand. Johnson, who first gained popularity as a professional wrestler and later grew into one of the most famous actors in Hollywood, has been using the nickname “The Rock” since bout 1997. Said Engels,

“People probably think I’m some Arrogant Bastard for going after Dwayne Johnson. But we were founded a few months before he started using that name and feel that the majority of his popularity stems from his usage of a term that’s a synonym for the name of our Brewery.”

But it doesn’t stop there. Rumor has it that Stone Brewing Co. ™ has now turned their attention to other brands. Be on the lookout for future legal claims against Post Cereals (for their Pebbles, both Fruity and Cocoa), the California Granite Quarry (in Rocklin, California no less), and an all-out legal assault on Hanna-Barbera for their blatant infringements on The Flintstones: Barney Rubble, Pebbles, Fred Flintstone, Joe Rockhead, and Mr. Slate.

Be very nervous, Mario Lopez – you may be next for your portrayal of AC Slater on Saved by the Bell.

 

This article is parody, in case you didn’t already know that. It’s meant to be funny so lighten up, Francis. If we use real people’s names, all the supporting details are totally made up.

Mike Pennington by Mike Pennington