Beer + Wrestling + … Fruity Pebbles?

Stone Brewing Co. ™ must have some lawyers without much to do. It all started with a lawsuit in early 2018 against MillerCoors (now Molson Coors) over the new branding of Keystone. Miller Coors started labeling it simply as ‘Stone’ and the folks at Stone Brewing Co. ™ were none too pleased. Stone Brewing Co. ™ CEO Dominic Engels said, “I don’t think anyone would truly confuse that crap with the beer we brew, but I thought I could make a few bucks off the big boys.”

The craft industry quickly rallied, clamoring for a victory from independent craft beer versus the big boys. It appears as though that initial lawsuit whet the appetite of Engels’ legal team. Since that case became public, Stone Brewing Co. ™ has since gone after over 100 other businesses that dare the use the word ‘stone’ in their name. Breweries, bars, restaurants, pizza joints … no one is safe from Stone Brewing Co.’s ™ reign of legal terror. Seeking to further their reach, Stone Brewing Co. ™ announced on Friday that they are filing suit against Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson for using a term that’s “kinda, sorta similar” to Stone Brewing Co.’s ™ brand. Johnson, who first gained popularity as a professional wrestler and later grew into one of the most famous actors in Hollywood, has been using the nickname “The Rock” since bout 1997. Said Engels,

“People probably think I’m some Arrogant Bastard for going after Dwayne Johnson. But we were founded a few months before he started using that name and feel that the majority of his popularity stems from his usage of a term that’s a synonym for the name of our Brewery.”

But it doesn’t stop there. Rumor has it that Stone Brewing Co. ™ has now turned their attention to other brands. Be on the lookout for future legal claims against Post Cereals (for their Pebbles, both Fruity and Cocoa), the California Granite Quarry (in Rocklin, California no less), and an all-out legal assault on Hanna-Barbera for their blatant infringements on The Flintstones: Barney Rubble, Pebbles, Fred Flintstone, Joe Rockhead, and Mr. Slate.

Be very nervous, Mario Lopez – you may be next for your portrayal of AC Slater on Saved by the Bell.

 

This article is parody, in case you didn’t already know that. It’s meant to be funny so lighten up, Francis. If we use real people’s names, all the supporting details are totally made up.

Mike Pennington by Mike Pennington

Chicago – Molson Coors, continuing the ever-growing push to acquire more craft beer brands, made an unprecedented offer to buy Leinenkugel for $12 billion last Thursday.

While the size of the offer is larger than most recent craft brewery acquisitions, there was a deeper force in play making this offer different than anything the industry has seen to date. For many years now, the larger global brewing conglomerates have shifted their focus from brewing watered-down lagers to buying the stuff that people actually enjoy drinking. In a statement released last year, AB InBev’s CEO Carlos Brito said, “Apparently people enjoy beer with flavor. We’ve never been able to make that happen, so we’ll just buy all the companies that can.”

No stranger to buying smaller craft breweries, Molson Coors stepped into new territory with last week’s offer. Having researched Leinenkugel and their impressively loyal fan base, Molson Coors’ CEO Gavin Hattersley learned that Leinenkugel was not independently owned. They had already become part of a larger company that was seemingly stockpiling small, independent craft breweries. This seemed too good to be true – a company that was already successfully buying market share, exactly as they planned to do.

Hattersley went for the boldest of all moves – he marshalled the forces to purchase Leinenkugel’s parent company, Tenth and Blake. Too good to be true? Yes it was. Much to Hattersley’s dismay, he learned that he already owned Tenth and Blake and, by proxy, Leinenkugel. “Egg on my face is all I can say,” said a sheepish Gavin Hattersley. “We buy so many breweries and really don’t know much about beer. I guess I just got a little greedy.”

The silver lining here? Molson Coors ended the day with exactly what they set out to get and didn’t have to spend billions to get it.

 

 

This article is parody, in case you didn’t already know that. It’s meant to be funny so lighten up, Francis. If we use real people’s names, all the supporting details are totally made up.

Mike Pennington by Mike Pennington