Sacramento, CA – In the wake of California Governor Gavin Newsom’s sweeping and far-reaching guidelines regarding upcoming Thanksgiving celebrations, Gov. Newsom doubled-down this week, extending additional regulations on myriad groups and upcoming gatherings.
As a proposed set of regulations designed to limit the spread of the BeerVirus, Newsom last week announced that Thanksgiving celebrations can only be two-hours long, can only have three households involved, must be outdoors, and everyone is required to bring their own turkey or other planet-friendly protein to the event. When pressed on how he personally planned on celebrating Thanksgiving with these regulations, Governor Newsom said, “Oh, this s*** ain’t for me. My mom said that I have to host this year, since Aunt Maureen did last year. I’m making my famous squash casserole!”
“Oh, this s*** ain’t for me.” – California Governor Gavin Newsom
Despite outcries from all corners of the state, Newsom dug his heels even further with a second wave of government overreach. Here are some of the more eye-opening decrees handed down:
- All homes with more than three cars are subject to being invaded, monitored by satellite, or ‘totally creeped out by Government drones’ to make sure they are in compliance,
- Effective immediately, the new state song has been changed to “Don’t Stand So Close to Me” by The Police,
- The California Craft Brewers Association (CCBA) has been given a 30-day mandate to develop masks that allow you to drink without removing them. An early prototype can be seen here, and
- Christmas is currently on hold until there is CDC clearance regarding the ability of reindeer and/or elves to either contract or spread the Covids. When asked about this specific guideline, Newsom stated that he was always uneasy having a reindeer with a “bright red nose, almost certainly the result of a nasty infection” prancing about on his roof. There was no immediate indication as to the progress made on elf and reindeer Covid testing.
There was one swift and positive reaction. The President of Introverts Anonymous (who refused to give her name, because – ya know – she’s shy) announced plans to move their headquarters to Yuba City. Said the unnamed President, “I mean – this is the sign we’ve been waiting for! I know they have oppressive taxes, and the mudslides, earthquakes, and raging fires will kill us all soon. But we won’t legally be allowed near people. We chose Yuba City because I guess we need to be kinda near Sac-town, but we didn’t want to be too close, ya know?”
Governor Newsom has another press conference next week. Leaked information says he’s going after three main sources of what he calls, “too many people in close proximity”: huddles on the football field, mothers pregnant with twins, and Mormons.
This article is parody, in case you didn’t already know that. It’s meant to be funny so lighten up, Francis. If we use real people’s names, all the supporting details are totally made up.