A fat dude smoking a pipe breaks into millions of homes every year, stealing milk and cookies, and leaving dirty coal behind for kids he deems ‘naughty.’ But at the same time, he plays favorites by giving supposedly ‘nice’ kids toys and other fun stuff. I could have a field day dissecting all of this nonsense, but I start by addressing this awful concept of leaving milk and cookies out all night. Does anyone really think that Santa wants to slurp down gallons of milk that’s been sitting out so long that it’s room temperature and maybe compromised? Gross. I think it’s time we start leaving a nice Belgian beer out for ole St. Nick. A delicious dubbel would be a great treat waiting for him at the bottom of the chimney. Let’s make it happen, people.

So, in proposing a change to long-held Christmas traditions, I started thinking about some of the songs we sing, too. I’m a sucker for good, quality Christmas music. But I think we could probably jazz up some of the titles, don’t you? Russ and I did some beerstorming (brainstorming while drinking beer) and came up with these soon-to-be holiday favorites:

Original song: I Wonder As I Wander
New title: I Wonder As I Wander … in downtown Asheville

Original song: Mele Kalikimaka
New title: Gimme Kalik and nachos

Original song: (I’m Dreaming of a) White Christmas
New title: (I’m Dreaming of a) Wit Christmas

Original song: It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas
New title: It’s Beginning to Taste a Lot Like Christmas

Original song: Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer
New title: Rudolph the Red-Nosed Alcoholic

Original song: I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus
New title: I Saw Mommy Drinking White Claw

Original song: O Little Town of Bethlehem
New title: O Little Town of Grand Rapids

Original song: I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day
New title: I Drank Some Bells on Christmas Day

Original song: I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas
New title: I Want a Kegerator for Christmas

Original song: I’ll Be Home for Christmas
New title: I’ll Be Drunk for Christmas

Original song: O Holy Night
New title: Nothing else. I refuse to mess with this one.

Original song: Holly Jolly Christmas
New title: Hoppy Jolly Christmas

Original song: Blue Christmas
New title: Huge Guinness

Original song: It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year
New title: It’s the Most Wonderful Time For a Beer

Original song: Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas
New title: Have Yourself a Frosty Little Beverage

Original song: Where Are You Christmas?
New title: Where Are You Barkeep?

Original song: Frosty the Snowman
New title: Frosty the Beer Mug

Original song: I Saw Three Ships
New title: I Drank Three Pints

Ok … now it’s your turn. Drop some of your ideas in the chat below!


Note: I didn’t touch the 12 Days of Christmas, because the McKenzie Brothers already did that to perfection:

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December 22, 2020
Mike Pennington

Author: Mike Pennington

Mike Pennington, normal, 40-ish, father of three, living the suburban dream north of Atlanta.  

2 Replies to “New Traditions”

  1. Avatar
    Lowell Aplebaum says: December 23, 2020 at 8:19 am

    Original song: Silent Night
    New Title: Silent Imperial Bourbon Barrel Aged Stout w. Vanilla, Cocoa, Ghost Pepper, and Cumin Night

    1. Mike Pennington
      Mike Pennington says: December 23, 2020 at 8:46 am

      Just rolls right off the tongue!

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