It seems like every week brings us more and more unbelievable stories in the news. Some funny, some endearing, some borderline ridiculous, some nauseating, and some downright amazing.
With each, it seems that the news would be more bearable, and infinitely more entertaining, if we
could have the perfect beverage with it. Today, we are going to pair the perfect beer with the perfect news story. Now, when pairing beer with food – you usually focus on which flavors, mouthfeel and gravity are most appropriate for the food. For our purposes today, we’re just going for comedic value.
Similar to the disclaimer we gave for the College Football Meets Beer posts, we offer these words of wisdom: Please note that we attempted to poke good-natured fun at all turns. This isn’t meant to be taken too seriously. If you find your blood pressure rising while reading this, drink each of the beers listed below, and then read it again. Repeat as necessary.
Headline: MOAB in Afghanistan
The US drops the MOAB (Mother of All Bombs) on a series of ISIS caves. This bomb was extremely rare – almost impossible to find. And man, did it pack a serious pop.
Suggested pairing: Westvleteren XII. The Westie 12 can only be bought at the monastery, making it exceptionally rare. And at 10.2% it also packs a pop. Some consider it the Holy Grail of beer.
Headline: Bridge Collapse
Atlanta isn’t known as a town devoid of traffic. Having one of the main interstates into the city COLLAPSE does nothing to help the problem. This is certainly driving many people to drink.
Suggested pairing: What better than a beer from a place called Lion Bridge that is called the Collapse of the Multiverse?
Headline: Trippin’ Billies
|Borrowed from bluegrasspreps.com
Grayson Allen from Duke has a weird quirk to his game where he chooses to trip anyone and everyone around him. He’s also known to throw hellacious temper tantrums on the court.
Suggested pairing: Birdfish Brewing Company’s Bitches Be Trippin’
Headline: Fly the W
The Cubs finally win the World Series, for the first time since 1908 … or Forever and Ever ago.
Suggested pairing: Other Half Forever Ever.
Bonus #1. Someone please buy this guy some new beer.
Bonus #2. This beer can also be enjoyed while waiting decades for a flipping giraffe to have a baby.
Headline: The Presidential election.
In case you’ve been in a cave for the past year, two of the least electable candidates in modern memory faced off against each other. For this beer, we offer a suggested pairing for each candidate.
For Hillary Clinton, Waterfront Brewery Crazy Lady.
For Donald Trump, nothing can beat Arrogant Bastard.
Headline: The Undrinkable (Not talking about Schlitz.)
Water in Flint, Michigan is slightly dirtier than the floor in a Major League Baseball dugout.
Suggested pairing: Parallel 49 Filthy Dirty IPA. I wonder if you can brush your teeth with it, or shower in it. Hmmm …
Headline: Everyone Freaks Out About Zika.
First it was SARS … and then the bird flu … then H1N1 … and the latest epidemic that was 98% sure to wipe out the vast majority of people in the next 12 minutes was the Zika virus. As with each of the above examples, medicine and prevention slowed everything down. Tragedy averted.
Suggested pairing: 3 Stars Brewing Pandemic.
Headline: Celebrity deaths:
Prince, Arnold Palmer, Muhammad Ali, David Bowie, Gene Wilder, Merle Haggard … Seemed like the year was one celebrity death after another. Almost like a permanent funeral.
Suggested pairing: 3 Floyds Permanent Funeral.
Headline: Pokemon Go Creates Billions of Zombies
Sorry to offend, but people sitting in parking lots for hours and hours, instead of … you know … working and/ or contributing to society – it all seemed a little silly. Maybe every nerdy.
Suggested pairing: Brothers Craft Brewing Pilsnerd
Bonus: See if you can pass the test. Are these Pokemon characters or craft beers?
Headline: Email Server hacking
In the never-ending circus that was our aforementioned election, one of the recurring themes was over that of hacked email servers. Whether it was Hillary sneaking stuff around on her private servers, or the Russians hacking into Trump’s stuff – it was all we could talk about.
Suggested pairing: Hacker Pschorr Munchener Gold. No truth to the rumor that “Pschorr” is German for private email server.
Think you’re more clever-er than our writers? Wow us all with your suggestions below. And share the post with friends who like beer, news, or both.